Thursday, August 16, 2007

Sniper Team Observer Winona

Alien: Resurrection: not only is it Exploding Kinetoscope's very all-time favorite Alien sequel, but it provided the only collectable action figure recreating the personage of Winona Ryder! Despite more than twenty years of nonstop movie stardom par excellence, Ryder has been captured in plastic just once, unless one stretches to include toys based on the Beetlejuice cartoon show. Why is this? Imagine the throngs who would snap up polystone statues of Veronica Sawyer from Heathers, posed with a croquet mallet and a fistful of Red Vines!


Life is lonely for this, the doll-sized version of Annalee Call, Resurrection's resident adorable robot with feelings. When Cocteau said the poet must shed the white blood of his soul, he must have been talking about those sad robots! Sorry they don't print miniature copies of Catcher in the Rye, Winona Ryder doll!


The resemblance is uncanny! And out of focus! For many years has the Call doll sat around, weirdly bow-legged, slightly walleyed, and without the company of other Winona Ryder-looking toys.


Hark!... a knock upon the door spurs our heroine to adventure. Your sculpt is square jawed and determined in ways the real Ms Ryder has never been, so: Rise! Face what others dare not!


Music like a hundred harps of gold with strings of fire crowd the soundtrack! A new dawn is come, borne on the back of this strange new visitor!

Another figure sculpted to resemble Academy-Award nominated actress Winona Ryder exists! Plainly unlicensed - perhaps illegal - and based on no motion-picture entertainment source, this "N.Y.P.D. Emergency Service Unit : Sniper Team Observer 'Winona'" figure promises to make dreams into 1/6 scale reality! The grim packaging (disrupted by splashy pink "Winona" script) claims that gun-totin' Noni boasts an impressive 12" inch "highly-flexible" body, and a "life-like head with character"! She is not endorsed or sponsored by the NYPD, as the box points out. Why a scrawny bohemian actress who has never played a cop was the inspiration for this figure is a mystery for the ages. But when the box promises the triple jointed limbs allow "difficult poses", who is not thrilled? The Call figure cannot handle such difficult poses as "standing unsupported".

Issued in 2000 by Dragon Models Ltd., the company website lists Sniper Team Observer Winona as a discontinued item. The hobby store price tag on the box marks her at $34.98 American greenback-dollars. Surely the collector's market price increases exponentially every passing hour.


Do it Winona Ryder doll! Stand face to face with the Sniper Team version of yourself, and know you are equals! The box must open!


I...

?

...

Uhm...


Crowd response: Tom Kitten, obviously freaked-out beyond belief, becomes numb with horror, unable to react.

Blythe remains cool and impassive. The stony, impartial angel offers no judgement.


The strange Sniper Team visitor is clearly no kin to the Alien: Resurrection figure. Team Observer "Winona" may be out there, somewhere, observing or sniping or whatever, but for today, only an ugly man-head stares back, where she was supposed to be.

An unexpected melancholy descends gently as the scene closes. While she faces no competition from obscure, semi-legitimate corners, she also feels no sisterhood, and must bear the burden for every Ryder character who is not immortalized in poseable miniature. Uncontested, legs awkwardly wide, she stands wobbly and alone: the only Winona Ryder action figure.

Special thanks to our own Sniper Team Observer, Linda Pine, for finding this horrid thing and bringing it home to me.

4 comments:

Jordan said...

I'm surprised there aren't more Winona figures, what with Edward Scissorhand figures, plus her being in vampire movies and "cult favorites", etc. If only McFarlane Toys would release a Winona Through The Years figure line..


-Jordan

NATHANIEL R said...

highlarious.

ohhhh Noni. there will never be another one of you (polystone or otherwise)

Burbanked said...

A wonderful post, equal parts surreal and delightful, so thanks for that.

And please allow me to shamelessly hawk my own semi-related bit of movie action figure melodrama: the Action Figure Mood Indicator!, currently randomizing the hopes and dreams of similarly out-of-focus action figures in my sidebar.

SO jealous of your Winona Action Figure. I'll have to keep my eyes open at the next flea market I attend.

Anonymous said...

No wonder Call has an angry clenched fist.