Thursday, June 14, 2007

Google Searches of the Damned

How does the common man find his way to the Kinetoscope parlor? Why the olde tyme Google Search Steam-Engine, of course! This genie that grants whatever informational wishes burn in every brain also provides direct access into the strange desires of our patrons. Here's a completely frivolous peek!

the shinning wendy sees man in animal costume
This search, or variations on it, are the #1 reason Googleyers come to this blog. And you know what's cool? If they're willing to read a twenty-page essay, they will get something resembling an answer to the Riddle of the Sex Bear! Most other pressing Shining questions (such as: maze motif in the shining and "The Shining" Kubrick "fire axe) are also addressed.

warning signals used by the Chinese watchmen on the great wall
I dunno, man. But you know where the Chinese keep their armies?
A: In their sleevies!

"teenage werewolf" basketball crowd
I think in that scene it's actually a female gymnast that Michael Landon kills.

movie about monsters that transform into creatures there is a space ship there is a hero that transforms too has spiked elbows
I'm calling the WGA right now.

Roseanne masturbating episode
That episode is about D.J. masturbating, but I'm sure if it had crossed Roseanne's mind to do the above storyline, she would have.

tonie perensky gallery
Not likely, my young Varsity Blues enthusiast. Not likely.

chemosphere grand theft auto
It's the house in Vinewood that looks like a pie on a stick. The real Chemosphere is only accessible by riding a little elevator-car up the hill... and I strongly suggest you do not sneak into the driveway at night and get in the elevator car, push the button, freak out when it moves, then run away.

the texas chain saw massacre real story, photo
Try "Ed Gein". Also: Eew!

sympathy for mr vengeance "i did not understand"
It's not about understanding, it's about sympathizing. You may find, by the end, that sympathizing is not necessarily the same as condoning or justifying.

scroll saw+jesus crosses+wook wood
"jesus crosses" = nearly as baffling as "wook wood"

elvis presley paid for jackie wilson's hospital bills
Yep. That's what you get when you do an awesome cover of "Don't Be Cruel"!

candy stripers 1978
Well, okay, you asked for it...
This article wasn't up when this search occurred, by the way.

aliens ripley queen feminist bishop film OR movie OR analysis OR review OR critique OR critism
There's feminist readings of Aliens? Huh. Go figger.

editing analysis term paper on kill bill vol. 2 movie
Don't tempt me. Seriously, I'll do it, and you know I will.

What is a Kinetoscope
The weird thing is this is a dictionary or encyclopedia question ("What is a Dictionary"); either way, this blog is about halfway down the page of search results, and all four sites above it - particularly the Featured Article Class, well-written and thoroughly illustrated Wikipedia article - answer the question exhaustively... Unless one prizes a silvery-wisp answer over hard data, which is what we specialize in here: the Kinetoscope is the hazy dividing zone between the science of moving-photographic experiments and the art of cinema; the incandescent-lamp-heated wooden cabinet the womb in which the movies were incubated and from which a race of cinephiles were born.

As to related queries such as: Kinetoscope blueprints and how do you build a kinetoscope?, sadly there are only six first-generation Kinetoscope cabinets extant and no full blueprints, which incites much debate over obscure construction details, and means you can't have one in your house. Believe me, I've looked too. A crusted-up specimen of related off-spring, the Projecting Kinetoscope, recently sold on eBay for $1,025.11, and a cabinet viewer eyepiece for some $800, both successfully escaping my bids. The cabinets sold in 1894 for $250 a pop, and even then, at 25 cents a picture, the cost of seeing a movie was ridiculous. The more things change...

desire costeau and john holmes clips
Deep Rub, Female Athletes and Pizza Girls. And learn to use the IAFD yourself next time. P.S. these movies are all dumb except Pizza Girls.

van helsing architects, chicago
It's true, the firm of Cushing, Van Sloane, Jackman and Hopkins built the Windy City entirely out of wooden stakes and garlic wreaths.

amber benson alyson hannigan willow tara love scenes
They're love-sceneing with Warren and Wesley now. For those in perpetual denial, visit the notorious, fascinating and kind of sad Kitten Board, where a tiny segment of Buffy fans who just couldn't/wouldn't deal have sequestered themselves and excised massive chunks of fictional reality, and no mention of episodes without Tara are allowed. Drama: better without dramatic conflict!

how to emergency tracheotomy
"Emergency tracheotomy" is currently the second most frequent path to this blog. There are about 340 episodes of M*A*S*H that will show you how to perform this simple (and fun!) procedure with a pocket knife and a pen.

santa monica cable our friend the rainforest jollie rogers
soco i kill her youtube
oz fanfiction lets give them something to talk about ripley cannon
Say what? Er, "i did not understand".

3 comments:

Adam Ross said...

Looking at what Google searches lead to your blog really increases your view of the world's stupidity ceiling. I've been thinking about a post like this for awhile -- I get about 50 hits a day from Google Image searches for Led Zeppelin III, and just got one today for "essays reading comparison for baby dolls with Spiderman."

johanna said...

I once got one for "hidden camara rape of girl"...[shudder]

the misspelling of camera is an accurate report. i remember wondering what kind of person would search for something like that first, and then what kind of blog was getting that kind of hit.

(I'd reviewed Psycho. So it goes.)

Cinebeats said...

This is funny to read. I always get hits from people hunting for *insert name of any actress* +nude more than anything else.