Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wiseass Reviews That Never Were: 2006!

Bad Movie Habit #1: I tend not to bother seeing films I don't feel predisposed to enjoy in the theater. It's expensive, and I have a lot of Criterions to buy. So there.

This greatly limits exposure to new films I might very well enjoy, but worse, it diminishes my ability to talk about topics outside my normal range of interest. Which means I miss out on a lot of Hollywood action, romance, Serious Adult Drama, and formula comedy, I guess. Articulating that, I realize I don't bother seeing or writing about this stuff because I have little to say, or don't find them interesting. I did slightly better in 2006, vow to do better in 2007. Yes, it's seriously taking six days to write about INLAND EMPIRE, so in the meantime, I give you this junk drawer of dismissive reviews I couldn't be bothered to inflate!

Children of Men - Makes you hate fascist pigs for shooting a hippie. Meanwhile, white man saves helpless black woman, and thus the world.

Apocalypto - Fine, go live in the woods. We don't need more homophobe Jew-haters in the city anyway.

Jaguar Paw's Apocalypto Jungle Adventure

The Pursuit of Happyness - Will Smith soundly defeats Reaganomics by solving Rubik's cube. Audience glad the American dream can trickle down even to Will Smith, and that they don't have to sleep in a bathroom.

Casino Royale - Fortunately: much funnier than the first attempt at filming Casino Royale. Unfortunately: just as long and exhausting.

Borat - Allen Funt's finest hour.

The Descent - Extreme sports ladies fall in a hole and are beset by Jumpscaricus Slimius. Sports ladies and cinematographer both forget to bring enough lights. Send more holes!

The Science of Sleep - Moral: lovable eccentrics are perfect for each other. Moral 2: European girls look dirty.

Snakes on a Plane - Any plot that hinges on a murder witness' addiction to Red Bull is OK by me.

A Scanner Darkly - Do my pupils look dilated? No, seriously, is this noticeable? That's not a theater cop sitting behind us, is it? I think he's a theater cop. Am I talking out loud?

Superman Returns - Pretty shitty homemade island, Lex. Why exactly are people going to want to live on a barren rock where they can't grow food or build houses?

Art School Confidential - Dumb jokes for people who hate art for an hour, followed by a serious black comedy about commercial compromise. Guess which half the newspaper critic liked!

Hostel - I like Japanese girls, too, but for some reason I don't enjoy seeing them mutilated with blowtorches.

1 comment:

Tram said...

That's some good ol' snark. Heh.

But ouchie-ma-gouchie on Science of Sleep. (I can't help but love eccentric boys that look like Gael Garcia Bernal, mmmkay? :o )